You Straights Are F**ked Up!
★★★☆☆ Unfiltered Wisdom
Just The Tonic at The Caves (Venue 88): Thur 6 to Sun 30 Aug 2026
Review by Ed Boulter-Comer
Even a global, straight-friendly performer needs an introduction. Who better to do the job than an overbearing drag nun?
Writer and performer Turan Ali arrives on stage for You Straights Are F**ked Up! as his alter ego, Sister Ejaculata. She chides the Just The Tonic audience and presents them with her own Ten Commandments for a better sex life before morphing into the main act.
Sister Ejeculata. Pic: Bona Broadcasting.
As a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence, the order of queer nuns with their roots at the beginning of the Aids pandemic, Ejaculata is the first hint of the genuine cultural depth of this anthropological polemic. Ali’s personal background of three religions, two nationalities and his triumphant gayness is front stage centre.
His main premise is that gay male relationships have numerous, measurable advantages compared to straight ones. He backs this up with lived experience, data and poetry, all tied up with his deft ukulele playing.
In a sharp tartan suit, Ali lifts the lid on just why gay relationships seem to be more successful nowadays. A self-proclaimed slut, his anecdotes are simultaneously personal and outrageous. His idea of how to give catcalling men a taste of their own medicine is deliciously subversive and leaves the audience in little doubt that he has probably made good on the plan more than once.
unvarnished
The title poem You Straights Are F**ked Up is ultimately kinder than the name would suggest but make no mistake, some of the truths in the show are entirely unvarnished. At a time when mainstream gay life is often filtered and sanitised for a mass audience, this hour acts as something of a cheat code for straight people who want to get behind the shiny façade of gay male culture.
If a young person in your life has ever told you to “educate yourself” You Straights Are F**ked Up! is a fantastic opportunity to do just that.
Running time: One hour (no interval).
Just The Tonic at The Caves (Just The Spare Room), Niddry Street South, EH1 1LG (Venue 88).
Thursday 6 – Sunday 30 August 2026.
Daily (Not 12, 18, 19, 26): 10.25pm.
Tickets and details: Book here.
Production website: www.youstraights.com
Facebook: @MrTuranAli
Instagram: @ukturanali
TikTok: @ukturanali
Turan Ali with ukulele. Pic: Bona Broadcasting.
